Title: "Prince Albert in a Can"
Author: monimala
Fandom: VMars
Rating/Classification: SAC for some mildly dirty talk, V/Lamb, humor, fluff, ficlet.
Disclaimer: Still not mine!
Summary: When Veronica reaches out and touches you, Caller ID is a godsend. A very silly, dialogue-only installment of "Between The Rock and a Not-So Hard Place."
ring, ring.
"Would you like a copy of The Watchtower?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Unless it's the one that Hendrix is all along...yes, I'm sure. Bye, Veronica."
***
"Donald, I have another really important question for you."
"And I have actual WORK to do."
"You do not."
"Do, too."
"Didn't you read the fine print on your job description? It said things like 'pompous' and 'ineffectual.'"
"Ouch. I'm not having sex with you until you say you're 'sorry.'"
"Riiiiiight. Says you. Now, back to my question."
"Will it make you hang up faster?"
"Yes."
"Shoot."
"What IS The Rock cooking that smells so darned good?"
"Arroz con pollo."
"Why arroz con pollo?"
"Clearly because it's the national dish of American Samoa. Can I go now?"
***
"Veronica, I am NOT buying you tampons to keep under my sink. I'm the sheriff. I live alone. People would wonder."
"You think they'd guess you're really a woman? Don, do you ever feel not so fresh?"
"I hate you."
"Getting my period means a distinct lack of future child support payments."
"Fine. I'll buy them. But you owe me."
"Two blowjobs and a frappuccino?"
"Make it three and we have a deal."
***
"I feel dirty just asking this, but shouldn't you be in Calculus or something?"
"Donald, we've been sleeping together for almost a month. You should feel dirty all the time."
"I do, darling dearest Veronica, I really do."
"Anyway, it's Senior Skip Day."
"Wasn't it Senior Skip Day last week when you wanted me to meet you in the employee bathroom at Java the Hut?"
"Would you stop pretending to be annoyed? 'Ineffectual', remember?"
"One word for you: Lysistrata."
"Okay, I don't know what's more unbelievable...you threatening a sex strike when I know for a fact that you'll have me naked two seconds after I walk in the door tonight or the fact that you used Greek literature to reference said sex strike."
"Give me some credit. I did have a year of college."
"Probably full of classes like Rocks for Jocks."
"Fine. There was this really hot chick in my geology class who had some thematic Honors seminar or something. I boned up on the classics--"
"So you could bone *her*?"
"You bet!"
"I'm so proud."
"You should be. She's the one who taught me that thing where I put my finger in your--"
"Bye, Donald!"
***
"For the fourteenth time! I do NOT need a copy of The Watchtower!"
click.
April 6, 2006.