Title: "Taking in the Sights"
Author: monimala
Fandom: Passions,Torchwood
Rating/Classification: AC, crackfic, crossover, Luis/Fancy/Captain Jack Harkness
Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own them. Nope. J.E. Reilly and Russell T. Davies own all.
Summary: Written for 's Captain Jack/Everyone Challenge, though I'm probably the only one who cares about this particular mash-up. "We just wanted to take a gander at your lighthouse..."
Spoilers: References a few characters from Torchwood besides Jack.

"I'm Fancy."

"You certainly are," the man agreed, checking her out in much the same way he'd been surveying the waterfront… except with more blatant masculine approval.

She grinned. She couldn't help it. It wasn't like she was wearing something from Gaultier's fall line with a cute pair of Jimmy Choos. She was in her Harmony PD cadet uniform. Khaki polyester was not exactly Fancy Crane at her most fetching. "Why, thank you."

Of course, that was when Luis shouldered forward, hooking his thumbs around his belt and doing his best blustering small town cop routine. "And I'm Officer Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald. Is there anything I can help you with, Mr…?"

"Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald…quite a mouthful." The man's flirtatious gaze dropped, speculatively. "In more ways than one." Fancy couldn't help giggling even as poor Luis sputtered and the stranger kept talking, like they were at a cocktail party. "And it's Captain. Captain Jack Harkness." He reached out, caught Luis' hand and vigorously pumped his fist. "Charmed. Wait, no…wrong show. Wrong witches. Different network." When they both stared at him, mystified, he just blithely waved the hand that wasn't holding Luis'. "Don't mind me. Just thinking out loud."

"That's the problem, Mr. Harkness. I've got to mind you. You've been standing on the docks for a quarter of an hour." When Luis finally re-appropriated his fingers, he looked at them with what could only be relief. Apparently he was glad that the Captain's um…ambiguity…hadn't rubbed off on him or something. "Some patrons at the Lobster Shack reported suspicious activity."

"Because standing around admiring the harbor is suspicious." Fancy rolled her eyes and elbowed him. "And can't you say 15 minutes like a normal person?"

"Can you stop undermining my authority, Cadet?" Luis scowled, all dark eyes and broodiness.

All the while, Captain Jack watched them, like he was a spectator at a tennis match.

"You didn't mind being undermined in the sauna last night!" she huffed, before remembering they had an audience. "Oops."

"Cadet Crane!" Luis hissed, clenching his jaw.

The Captain, who had a nice jaw too, simply laughed. "It's good to know that the local law enforcement is so…enforceful." While Luis blushed and stammered over that, he patted the pockets of his long coat -- obviously vintage --pulling a simple white card from one pocket. "Listen, it's no big deal. I represent the Torchwood Institute. Historical preservation. We just wanted to take a gander at your lighthouse…" He looked at them both, cocking a dark eyebrow. "And any other local points of interest you might suggest."

Somehow, Fancy got the impression -- maybe because it was so clear -- that he didn't mean The Lobster Shack or her family's posh estate when he said "points of interest." In fact, the only points he seemed to be staring at were the ones poking against her khaki shirt.

And quite possibly the one below Luis' belt buckle.

Not that she could blame him for that one since she spent entirely too much time taking a gander at it herself.

It was...highly interest-y. And, to her surprise, at the moment also kind of pointy.

The Captain smiled widely, flashing gorgeous dimples in both cheeks. "Care to take me on a tour?"


Looking back on that day, Fancy would never be able to quite explain how they got from talking about lighthouses and Luis' impressive package to the sauna at the Crane mansion.

Teleportation? Magic? Scotty beamed them up? It was Harmony and stranger things had certainly happened.

All right. Maybe not stranger than watching 100% heterosexual Officer Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald get stroked to orgasm by the man who was hitting her G spot like someone had drawn him a map to it.

Fancy desperately hoped that the security cameras for the steam room were offline, because the goings-on within it would make the porno bust she and Luis had done some months before look like amateur hour. Captain Jack was practically a pro. She leaned back against the sauna wall, her legs locked firmly around his hips as he thrust into her again and again. His coordination was fabulous because Luis' rhythmic gasps told her that he was getting much the same treatment.

"Just...so...you...know...I'm...not...gay..." Luis managed to grind out, his eyes fluttering shut as he bucked up against the Captain's capable fingers.

"Me neither, Handsome," Jack chuckled, pulling away from her just long enough to attack Luis with a long, hot, extremely gay kiss.

When he came back to her, she could almost taste Luis on his tongue. Definitely on his fingers.

Her commanding officer could consider himself thoroughly, completely, undermined.

"'M not...gay...at *allllll*," she found herself assuring just moments later.

The Captain chuckled. And twinkled. Looking absolutely nothing like a historical researcher. "You don't say?"

He leaned back on his heels, studying them both with an expression that was almost...proud.

Not how he'd been surveying the waterfront, but suspicious just the same.

"Now. About that lighthouse?"


There was no longer a lighthouse in Harmony.

That was what Fancy and Luis discovered some two to four hours after showing the mysterious Captain Jack Harkness the "sights." Some two to four hours after the mysterious Captain Jack Harkness had bid them a hearty goodbye (complete with tongue) and taken his long coats and white cards with him.

Clenching his jaw and hitching up his belt with his thumbs, Luis turned to look at her. Like this had been purely her fault. He tended to do that a lot. "I told you....I told you, Cadet...some stranger staring at the harbor for fifteen minutes couldn't be good."

She laughed, lamely. "Don't you mean a quarter of an hour?"

It was going to take much more time than that, and many more sessions in the steam room, to get her out of this one...


"Did you get it contained?" Owen wondered, pulling the door of the rental van shut behind him as he hopped in. "No more alien beacons shouting about all over New sodding England?"

"Don't I always?"

"Yeah," Owen snorted, motioning at Ianto to start the car...though Ianto didn't need motioning to. The man had superior instincts about that sort of thing. "We just worry 'bout you containin' yourself."

Jack made a mental note to air mail Tabitha Lenox a nice book of dark spells when he got back to Cardiff. The witch's information had proved invaluable. In more ways than one. "All I did was make friends with the locals," he defended, trying and failing to sound at all sincere. "Get the lay of the land, so to speak."

"Fancy that," Ianto laughed, catching his eye in the rearview mirror.

Jack grinned. "She certainly did."


October 24, 2006.

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