Title: "A Permanent Lock" 1/1
Author: monimala
Fandom: "General Hospital"
Rating/Keywords: NAC, Lucky/Elizabeth, songfic, angsty, bigtime sappy foof.
Disclaimer: A bunch of people own the characters. I am not one of the bunch. C. Sturken & E. Rogers wrote the 'N Sync song.
Summary: As Elizabeth and Lucky both come upon 'their song', much contemplation occurs. A POV of an episode tag where this actually happened.

Can this be true?
Tell me can this be real?
How can I put into words what I feel?
My life was complete,
I thought I was home,
Why do I feel like I'm losing control?

How many times have we danced to this song? How many times have I heard it and thought of the way he smells...the way he feels in my arms? How many times have I turned to the jukebox and ached inside because I'm alone now?

I guess the greater question is...why haven't I taken the song off the playlist? Bobbie and Tammy let me update the Pop selections every six months...and this song has been outdated for two years. Two years. Since Lucky and I first fell in love. And I can't take it off.

Because taking it off would truly mean giving up.

And no matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to stop loving him--how many times I scream at him to stop giving me mixed signals--it's not going to happen. Loving Lucky is like breathing. It comes easy, it comes naturally. It's the best thing I've ever known. It's like riding a motorcycle and painting the wind. It lets me fly.

Except when I come crashing down.

When he turns to me with a stranger's cold, blue eyes...so different from the boy who carried me to the hospital one Hellish February night. When he tells me I should be with his brother because only Nikolas can make me happy.

I don't know this Lucky. I don't understand this Lucky. I don't know how he can want me with one breath and then push me away with the next. I don't understand how he can tear me apart when he used to be the only one who could put me back together.

I never thought that love could feel like this.
That you could change my world with just one kiss.
How can it be,
that right here with me,
there's an angel.
It's a miracle.

Emily tells me Lucky still loves me. Nikolas tells me Lucky still loves me. Lucky's face...his body...his jealousy of Jason...the way his heart beats...all tell me he still loves me. But his lips say the opposite. And those are what I have to believe.

Actually...it's a little funny. Sometimes, I'll be in the middle of washing a glass, or have half-raised a brush to canvas, or be dozing off in class...and I'll remember his lips. Not from before. But from now. It's like a distant memory that I can't claim. His mouth. His arms. His voice telling me he loves me, that I have his heart, and that he won't forget. What won't he forget? And why can't I remember? I remember waking up in his arms the night Zander drugged me...I remember feeling safe, feeling so perfect. I waited for him to tell me that something had happened...that something had changed. But he didn't.

And I think he's afraid.

I think something did happen.

But the Lucky I don't know is keeping the Lucky I love from telling me. From letting us relive kisses and laughter and love that we deserve. That we are fated to have in our future.

Your love is like a river,
peaceful and deep.
Your soul is like a secret
that I never could keep.
When I look into your eyes,
I know that it's true.
God must have spent a little more time on you.

And that's why I can't take this song off the playlist.

As long as it can make me ache...as long as it can give me just a fraction of his heart...I can keep going.

I can wait.

~*~

In all of creation,
all things great and small,
you are the one that surpasses them all.
More precious than any diamond or pearl,
they broke the mold
when you came in this world.

Why is this playing at Jake's? You'd think the bikers would've reached in and torn out the c.d. by hand. Maybe it wasn't here before and just materialized on the jukebox to torture me?

Our song.

One thing I could never forget. One thing that could never fall into the gaps in my memory.

Our song and the way Elizabeth felt in my arms the first time we danced to it at Kelly's. So small and so fragile and so good. Her hair smelled like jasmine. Just like the night that Zander drugged her at the Rave. When I held her so close and we danced at her studio. And I tasted her mouth...her sweet-tart mouth. It was like coming home. Truly coming home. God, her eyes were so bright that night. So full of pain and love and honesty and she let me have it all with both barrels.

I deserved it.

I hurt her over and over again. I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to throw off this cold, blackness that squeezes around me and makes me into a man like my father.

I'm trying hard to figure out
just how I ever did without
the warmth of your smile,
the heart of a child,
that's deep inside
leaves me purified.

But I can't stop loving her either.

How can I tell her that?

Believe me, I find it wholly ironic that the only time I could tell her that my feelings haven't changed was when I knew, in my gut, that she wouldn't remember it in the morning. Part of Faison's programming? Keeping the safeties on?

All I want to do is be able to hold her again. To repeat the vows we made in our church two years ago when her eyes and my mind are both clear. "You have my heart. That's a permanent lock."

Some permanence.

When I can't even say "Be with me"...how can I expect to ever say, "I love you"? Emily tells me I still love Elizabeth. Nikolas tells me I still love Elizabeth. My heart, my hands, my soul tells me I still love Elizabeth--and that I always will--and I can't say it. I. Can't. Say. It. The words come to my lips and then they stop. They twist. They turn ugly and they make her huge gray eyes fill with so much agony.

And this song does nothing but remind me of when I used to make her eyes fill with joy. Simple, unmarred, untainted, joy.

Your love is like a river,
peaceful and deep.
Your soul is like a secret
that I never could keep.
When I look into your eyes,
I know that it's true.
God must have spent a little more time on you.

Should I reach in and tear the c.d. out by hand?

No.

Even the toughest hearts need a bit of a reminder that innocence still exists. Bikers and brainwashed teenagers alike.

Besides, Jake would kill me if I busted her juke.

This way, I can always wander down from my room and slide in a quarter. I can let it play again.

Our song.

I can try and remember.

I can practice the words.

I just hope, that when the time comes, she can forgive me.

And that she can wait.

~*~

Never thought that love could feel like this.
Then you changed my world with just one kiss.
How can it be, that right here with me,
there's an angel.
It's a miracle.

"I love you, Lucky," I whisper out loud, brushing my fingers over the dusty glass of the jukebox.

"I love you, Elizabeth," I whisper out loud, brushing my fingers over the dusty glass of the jukebox.

Your love is like a river,
peaceful and deep.
Your soul is like a secret
that I never could keep.
When I look into your eyes,
I know that it's true.
God must have spent a little more time on you.

And I ache.

And I remember.

God must have spent a little more time on you
A little more time on you.

"I'll wait for you. As long as it takes."

"You have my heart. And that's a permanent lock."

--The End--
September 2000.



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