Title: "double negative"
Author: monimala
Fandom: LOST
Rating/Classification: a few dirty words, ep filler, Sawyer, ficlet, slash.
Disclaimer: Bad Robot!
Summary: A tiny bit of filler for 1.22, "Exodus."
There weren't no good-byes. No tears. No manly hugs or handshakes held tight to see whose knuckles cry "Uncle" first. He doesn't realize this until they're all ready out on the water. Jin and Michael are bickering like his old man and his mama in one of those happier times Before and he wonders if he and the kid should go off to the far side of the raft so they can have fake make-up sex. But, then again, Michael's the kid's dad and that might be a bit much for Walt. Sex ed'll have to wait till he's thirteen or dead. So, he twirls the bottle of letters around and around, where she stops nobody knows, and tries to pretend that Walt ain't staring at him like he's Satan's redheaded stepchild for reading a page or two or five.
And it hits him. Well, shit.
He ain't never said good-bye to Sayid.
In the grand scheme, it ought not matter that much. He's going off to the wild blue yonder, the ocean is surrounding him on all sides and the odds are ten to one he'll be tasting sweet charity before they ever see land again. Ahab the Arab hated him. He hated him right back. Not exactly anybody's idea of a family vacation.
They didn't never do anything 'sides fight.
Nothing that mattered.
So why does he care?
Maybe because there's been dozens of men in his life who made him bleed...and Sayid's the only one who could honestly say, "this going to hurt me more than it hurts you." Of course, he didn't say that. But Sawyer saw it in his eyes for days. When his nails were healing over, black and blue and swollen. Every time he flexed that bandage and tried not to scream "fuck!" It was Sayid in pain. It was Sayid who throbbed. Who did turn away and whisper something his mama would've beat him for.
Maybe because there's been dozens of men in his life who made him feel like shit...who made him think on just how low he's sunk...and Sayid's the only one who gave him a goal to reach. Yeah. Be like that, Jamey. Be a leader. Make 'em look up to you. Of course, he didn't even try to climb that high. He ain't no overachiever. But he thought about it.
Maybe because there's been just the one man...just the one...who made him.
And where he stops...nobody knows.
--end--
June 8, 2005.