Title: "Deep Inside" 1/1
Author: Mala
Fandom: "Port Charles"
Spoilers: Week of 10/23
Rating: AC
Disclaimer: I don't own Chris Ramsey or Olivia Locke and the lyrics are from Third Eye Blind.

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow you said
you've got something
deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound,
sway of your hips round rings true,
echoes deep inside of you

Chris Ramsey had been called many things since moving to Port Charles for his internship. Jerk. Scumbag. Asshole. And he'd brushed it all aside in the name of ambition. He'd made a name for himself in medicine, with his struggle for power. He'd ignored the fact that he couldn't keep a friend...or a wife...that he slept alone and worked alone and that the title of "Chief Resident" was just that...a title. It didn't keep him warm.

He schemed. It was his nature. To hold other people's secrets close to him and wait for the right time to use them. And Livvie was one such secret, wasn't she? His weapon against Rachel and Kevin and Lucy...against that whole high-and-mighty crowd who looked at him and only saw his mistakes. And oh...he'd held her close all right. He wanted to keep holding her close. He wanted to feel her long brown hair dust his face...to listen to her laugh. He wanted her to walk across his apartment in the dark and slip into bed with him. He wanted to pull her closer instead of pushing her away. He wanted to make love to her and take her innocence deep inside. Until it spread through him...purifying everything that had turned black and cancerous in his soul.

These secret garden beams
changed my life so it seems
Fall breeze blows outside,
I don't bring stride
My thoughts are warm,
and they go deep inside of you

Oh yeah
And I never felt alone
All right, alone...alone
Till I met you

Her lips had tasted like raspberry gloss. Bittersweet. Eighteen years of anguish and hope lying next to him in the bed of a pick-up truck as a love song drifted from the radio. She was so young...so much younger than him. She was like fresh rain. And he felt like a desert. Old...arid...vast. Would she drown him...? Or would he suck the life from her?

At work, he was a healer. A doctor of the highest caliber. But in life, everything he touched seemed to die. To shrivel. And to leave him forever. Jerk. Scumbag. Asshole. To everyone but Livvie. So far. And soon he would be those things to her, too.

It was inevitable.

She was his only friend.

And he wasn't even half a friend in return. Truth be told, he wasn't sure he knew how to be one. He was half dead inside. Missing organs. Perhaps that was why he spent so much time trying to fix the organs of others? To make up for what he, himself, lacked?

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen cause I live to be
Deep inside of you
Slide off her dress, shouts in darkness
I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you
You said boy make girl feel good
But still...deep inside...still!

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm all right on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
if I just knew what's coming

But he wanted to make love to her anyway. It was an ache that swept away all his reason...all his plans...and the tiny bit of nobility that all the greed in the world couldn't smother. He wasn't sure he could resist much longer. His only good intentions wouldn't hold up against her big brown eyes. Against the feel of her head on his chest. He was sure he would eventually earn more names. User. Perv. Heartbreaker. And he was fairly certain he would still be sleeping alone by the time this was all over. That he would still be alone with his cold ambition.

But he wanted her just once....maybe twice if he could be so lucky. Her arms. Her smile against his mouth. Her purity like a temporary inhibitor for his disease. Keeping him warm for just a little while.

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my own people if I could find them,
And I would say that I'm sorry to you,
I'm sorry to you, and I don't want to call you,
But then I want to call you cause I don't want to crush you,
But I feel like crushing you and it's true
I took for granted you were with me,
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

He supposed that was his biggest crime yet. To want something so sweet and so untouched when he didn't deserve it. To dream about sinking into her and forgetting who he was and why he had become her friend. He had wooed her with their similar stories of loss...of betrayal. He had lulled her into believing they were kindred spirits. He had made her believe in him. Made her believe it was okay to trust him, to care about him, and to love him.

He was going to hurt her someday soon. He was going to destroy her faith in him. And this fragile illusion of friendship and caring would be over. He wouldn't be able to apologize for it. To make up for it. To make her understand that he'd done most of it for himself...but part of it for her. To keep her.

But we were broken and didn't know it
we were broken and didn't know it
we were broken and didn't know it
we were broken and didn't know it
Right...oh, what's right?

She deserved better.

He deserved worse.

Jerk. Scumbag. Asshole. User. Perv. Heartbreaker.

Heartbreakee.

Because his biggest crime was worse than want, worse than dreams.

It was love.

His twisted version of it. Caring enough about a person to infect them with his personal crusade. To use her for his own selfish ends.

Livvie. Livvie. Livvie.

Livvie Collins...not Livvie Locke.

And she wouldn't thank him when she discovered he'd known all along.

Just as her purity would heal him...his corruption would poison her.

And he didn't care. Not right now.

He would lose her anyway, wouldn't he?

Something's gone you withdraw
and I'm not strong like before I was
deep inside of you
I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare at a ghost
deep inside of you
And some great need in me, starts to bleed
I've lost my self there's nothing left,
it's all gone
deep inside of you
deep inside of you

The least he could do was live up to the names.

Wallow in them.

Not for ambition this time.

But for a piece of her.

Something he could hold onto forever.

The least he could do was love her just a little too much.

--The End--

October 2000.



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